Wouldn’t it be funny if…
Microsoft announced drastic layoffs in software architects and software engineers as they modify their software design paradigm. Stating they have been minimized, marginalized and kept in the “dark ages” by employing design methodologies in the past, Microsoft has now embraced the results of evolutionary theory having seen that unintelligent, unguided, random changes combined with natural selection have produced functionally integrated, irreducibly complex marvels of engineering and information processing. “The brilliance of nature exceeds our own efforts in this are
a. It’s time for change!”
Microsoft began software development with this new natural method some time ago and products have been shipped. “All of planet earth is benefiting form this new method”
When pressed for more detail, spokesman stated that after going on a reading retreat some years ago, senior management read “The Blind Watchmaker” and quickly felt certain they could implement a “blind software development process”. “In simplest form, we mimic Nature… with our “Mutational Magic” software development tool we randomly changed the code in a manner analogous to DNA mutation in nature. “Mutational Magic” can produce point mutations (where a “0” is substituted for a “1” in the code), random deletions of code sections, and copying errors where a section of code is copied and randomly placed in a new location.
Bill Gates said “We are wildly enthusiast about this breakthrough. Not only does “Mutational Magic” offer new hope for software development, it is being followed up with “Natural Market Selection”. Sure, most software mutational events will lead to nonfunctional code, but that will be handled by NMS. Once people buy the version that doesn’t work, word will spread and sales will drop. That version will go extinct as sales plummet and better performing versions of the software will sell better. Those better selling version will be further altered by “mutational magic”. We envision a radical new paradigm of natural evolving software that is like nothing the public has ever seen!”
Google refused to comment but is believed to be working on their own version of Mutational Magic that will work on-line and allow consumers to mutate their personal computer files. “Why mutate only the programs, consumers have a right to mutate their data files too!”
Sun Microsystems responded, that “We have been concerned with Apple Computer’s resurgence lately and especially the iPod. We’ve embraced the concept behind Mutational Magic and have a new product coming out soon that mutates songs for download to the iPod. We apologize for those homes used in our market analysis, but the hearing damage caused by the mutational combining of “Kid Rock” with “God Bless America” is believe to be short lived. Surely Natural Market Selection will make this version a low seller and it will run its course.
Not to be outdone, the IRS is implementing a $37 billion dollar program to upgrade its federal income tax software employing a similar approach to MM and NMS. “Those taxpayers filing on-line returns will benefit the most. While some may run into legal problems because of non-productive mutations, those getting beneficial mutations should benefit greatly from our efforts.”
A London based think tank entered the excitement, voicing its concern that the vast majority of mutations are not beneficial, but indeed harmful. “We must emphasize that this will not lead to “software success”. Well designed software will be destroyed and riddled with errors as harmful mutations corrupt a designed code built for a purpose to perform a specific function”
The lobbyist group, “Blinded by Naturalism” says this is not so. That “software success” is defined as “making progress by code mutation”. That any other method of developing software is not “software success” and could not be considered software success or even successful software. Outraged, they plan to file suit against anyone claiming their software is successful unless it meets this stringent definition.
The ASLU, (American Software Lawyers Union) protested vehemently on CNN. This is an outrage. We don’t know why just yet, but we have a right to be outraged! Any negative comment about Mutational Magic or Natural Market Selection may be unconstitutional. We have money, we must sue!
Shortly after appearing on CNN, the Google News reported over 500 similar articles in leading newspapers describing the silliness of doubting “Mutational Magic”. The phrase, “Mutational Magic is a fact of Software Success” was prevalent in 97% of the articles. They concluded that anyone that thought otherwise was trying to export all software functions to foreign countries for minimum wage.
Later in the day, Microsoft was asked to comment on the sales of its new products. They had no comment as the recently installed version of Excel was not totaling properly and new sales figures were unavailable.
Similarly, the NASDAQ was asked to comment on any change in stock price for Microsoft, but also had no comment, sighting a recently installed operating system that was not allowing them to track stock prices.
Just before this went to press, the ASLU clarified their position, “Yes we are slightly left of anything else in your field of view”.
All interviewees were asked what evidence exists demonstrating that MM and NMS will generate complex computer code:
Microsoft responded, “It’s a fact of computer science, and Google has been researching it, they have the evidence.”
Google responded, “It’s a fact of computer science, there’s a rumor Apple’s iPod used these techniques during development”.
Sun Microsystems responded, “It’s a fact of computer science, Google is cutting edge, the water cooler talk says they have the evidence”.
Apple said, “You can download our response for $.99 from our web site”
Richard Dawkins, author of the “The Blind Watch Maker” was unavailable for comment. His publicist stated he’s in seclusion working on his next novel, “The Blind Heart Surgeon”.
